Most people are just figuring it out as they go along. We all make mistakes and learn from them. Or we have great successes and learn from them as well.
So take some comfort in knowing that you’re not the only one winging it. Life is weird. And we’re all still learning.
With most things, be it a job, a school, a treatment program, a relationship, etc. what really determines what you take away is what you actually put into it. If you want progress or change you have to do the work.
No amount of self hatred can ever change the past. You can’t out-hate the hurt.