There is no rule that says you need to be happy today. However you are feeling is okay. It’s okay if you’re not in the holiday spirit. Take care of yourself today.
Other people are fighting some of the same battles as you. We’re all trying to make sense of our lives and our surroundings. This is the human condition. And there are people who actually do understand precisely what you are going through, but that doesn’t make it any less painful or less scary.